I haven’t been much in the mood to write lately, mainly because I haven’t been feeling too well but also because there’s not much to report. In short, my sister C. was here for two weeks which was great and despite the bone pain and the snow we managed to do some nice things together, my internet connexion was down for almost a week and made me realise how much I need it, I had high temperature and got very worried (it ended up being nothing to worry about), I went to see the surgeon and all seems to be well, I fell down the stairs (I hate snow!) and got the biggest bruise I have ever seen in my life, it is the most painful bruise I have ever had too (not to mention the embarrassment of falling in front of strangers) and considering my platelet count, I wonder how long it will take to heal.
I am having a hard time with chemo. I try to ignore the side effects and have a life as normal as possible but the truth is I feel sick all the time and I am exhausted. I put all my energy into not having a meltdown, staying strong and focussing on simple daily activities. All I want is to feel good for at least one day. Since the last chemo session I have been feeling pretty bad, both physically and emotionally. The bone pain didn’t really go away this time, I have trouble sleeping, my whole digestive system is torturing me, my skin is full of brown spots, my eyes are red and tired (I barely have any eyelashes now, my eyes are irritated and tears fall down my face non-stop), my nails look miserable and are sore (are they going to fall?) and the noise in my ear is not getting any better. I hate the way I look and even though people keep telling me I don’t look that bad, I have difficulties recognizing my face in the mirror, it makes me very sad. I am exhausted and can’t sleep at night. I am worried all the time and there’s nothing that can help me relax. My body changed so much in the past six months and I am in such bad shape it makes me realise how healthy I was before.
This Friday I have my last chemo session but somehow I don’t feel happy about it. It’s hard to explain but having chemotherapy gives me the feeling I am fighting cancer. Once chemo is over I am afraid that if one stupid cancer cell managed to survive this horrible treatment, it will start multiplying and form a tumour somewhere else. Without chemotherapy it is like if I am not fighting anymore. I make an effort not to think about it but the fear of recurrence is always there. It will always be there. Every time I have an appointment with the surgeon or the oncologist I get extremely anxious. I am always afraid they will find something and have bad news to give me. When the surgeon checks my chest, tummy, glands and back I can’t stop thinking he might find something that shouldn’t be there. It is scary. What I find scary as well is starting a new treatment and changing my daily routine. Soon I will start radiotherapy and hormone therapy which is supposed to be a lot easier than chemotherapy. Looking on the bright side, my hair will start growing back, I will feel less sick, I might be able to go back to work, my short-term memory and ability to concentrate will return, my taste buds will go back to normal and most important of all I will stop poisoning my poor tired body. I dream with a detox holiday after all this is over. I want to clean my body from all these drugs and get back in shape. Maybe who knows even run a marathon! Hummm, now that I think of it, running a marathon is probably as traumatic as chemotherapy, I never liked running.
I look forward to the end of all this. I can’t wait to hear the words “you are cancer free”. Unfortunately for the next five years I will be in remission, not cancer free. A long wait still...
As I said, chemo is hard and I am glad it will soon be over. But it is very demoralising to know that until Friday morning I will be feeling relatively ok and then 12 hours later I will be feeling miserable, sick and in pain again. Until recently I thought I had a high pain threshold but since I experienced bone pain I think differently. For the first time I had to use the term unbearable pain and ask for stronger painkillers. Long live Tramadol!
All I can do lately is whine. I cry more and I smile less. Being a cancer patient is not easy but being around one is not a piece of cake either. I feel sorry for my husband, family and close friends, but I really appreciate all the support they have been giving me. Without them all this would be a lot harder.
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