Some days are better than others

Today I am having a bad day. Maybe it’s because of the rain and grey sky, maybe not. I woke up feeling sad, with a knot in my throat, hating everything about my sick body. I hate the way I look, the fact that I always feel so tired and the constant discomfort caused by all kind of small annoying things like having very sensitive sore nails both in my hands and feet, having pain in both arms, either because of the phlebitis or the cording, having some digestive problems, being forgetful and confused at times, and having hot flashes and night sweats, a subject I have avoided writing about in here. For about two months now I have been having menopause symptoms, one of my most feared side effects of chemotherapy. My ovaries stopped working, maybe not permanently, that is what I am hoping for. I feel I am losing my femininity: lost a breast, lost all my hair, look tired and old, will most likely never become a mother and will never breast feed. I know some things are temporary like the hair loss and that the most important is to be alive and well. People can tell me this over and over again but I can’t get used to the idea that I am not the healthy person I thought I was before all this cancer thing happened. I want to live until I am 90 (or more!), healthy, happy and elegant. With all these worries I am going to get wrinkled, grey and turn into a grumpy old lady.

The problem with cancer is that there is no cure. Doctors remove the tumour and subject you to heavy treatments but there’s no guarantee they got rid of all cancer cells. I will have doctor’s appointments for the rest of my life. This week I asked my surgeon “Is my prognosis good?” to which he answered “yes, your prognosis is good but as you know no one has a crystal ball.” I guess I have to learn to live with it.

Now back to reality. I am going to the kitchen now, to make a chocolate cake for my sweet husband, it’s his birthday tomorrow. Nothing like baking while listening to music to cheer me up.

Déjà vu!

So... the lymphatic cording is back! It's really annoying, it seems like the inconveniences just pile up.

About ten days ago my right arm started hurting and I started having difficulties lifting it up. It feels like there are tight cords in my arm, pulling it down, it is actually visible when I pull the arm up, two or three rope-like lines sticking out from under my arm, a bit like in this picture.

As during radiotherapy I need to be able to hold my arms straight up, I decided to call my surgeon to show him my arm and ask what to do. He believes there's nothing to worry about and that it doesn't look like lymphedema. He recommended some more physiotherapy sessions where I will get massages and stretching exercises to try to soften the cords. Last time physiotherapy helped, so I can only hope this can be solved quickly, preferably before the 17th, when radiotherapy is due to start.

Today I also had to go to the clinic to have my port flushed, something I have to do every four weeks, give or take.

I can't get rid of hospitals, doctors, nurses, therapists, and the like!

2011 is going to be a better year

My body is detoxing and trying to readjust to a life without the chemo drugs. I wonder how long it will take to get back to normal, a month, six months, a year? My digestive tract is still a bit of a mess, my nails are very sore and yellow (I wonder if they are going to fall off or not and if yes, does it hurt? How will it look like? How long does it take to grow back?), my skin is so dry it seems it is going to crack at any moment, I have lost all my hair, except for 10 eyebrows and about 5 eyelashes (yes, I counted them!), which I am sure will abandon me in the coming days, making me look even more weird and sickish. I am so aware of the way I look now, I wish mirrors didn’t exist. Between chemo sessions some baby hair always grows on my head, weak, colourless and very scarce hair which looks nothing like my old hair. Now I look in the mirror every day hoping to see my dark strong hair growing back. I want to go back to work in January or February and I would prefer to go back without a scarf covering my head. I am tired beyond believe and so out of shape that yesterday I could hardly walk up the mountain to enjoy the view over Moledo. My muscles ache and my joints like to complain as well. I feel like an old lady.

During these days in Portugal I have been eating a lot more and haven’t been following my diet. I feel guilty and I must get back on the right track. But it is irresistible, there’re so many nice things, so many temptations, I just can’t resist. Of course I then suffer the consequences, like having indigestions, tummy pain, feeling tired and without energy, and sleeping badly.

I desperately need to start exercising regularly, but I just learned that I can’t swim during radiotherapy because the chloride may irritate the skin. I can’t practice any sport that makes me sweat too much either for the same reason. I can’t play badminton because my arm still hurts (the cording comes back from time to time) so I will try yoga, pilates or any other quiet sport.

Emotionally I feel good. I am a bit apprehensive about starting radiotherapy, fear of the unknown I guess, and anxious about reconstruction, with another surgery, another stay in the hospital. I can’t wait for all this to be over.

As soon as I get home I will hang the 2011 calendar in the kitchen and remove the 2010 one. The good thing about having a bad year is knowing that the following year can only be better.

What I had hoped for 2010 didn’t happen. I wanted to have a baby but instead I got cancer. Unfortunately the opposite doesn’t work, if I wish for cancer I will still not get a baby. So all I am going to wish for is that I have a calm year, actually I wouldn’t mind having a boring year, an eventless year.

I hope 2011 will be a good year not just for me, but for all of you as well. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A flashback: cording

After the second surgery, and as a result of having some lymph glands removed from my armpit, I developed cording, which is not only painful but very annoying because it limited (a lot) my arm movement. It felt like having a very tight cord running from the axilla towards the hand, pulling my arm down, making it very stiff. The tissue was so tight it was visible to the eye, under my arm, exactly like a stretched cord. When I complained to the surgeon, he referred me to a physiotherapist who massaged my arm and stretched the cords until I regained full arm movement. It took several weeks, but I can now finally move my arm normally and without pain. I still can’t lift heavy weights and I have to be careful not to get infections in this arm, but the improvement is so big I feel like new.