Life after cancer treatments

Sometimes I have the impression that some people think that because the treatments are finished (not counting with the hormonal treatment, which in fact also has pretty annoying side effects) and because I normally say that I had cancer (in the past tense), that I am supposed to be positive and back to normal. But having cancer is not like having the flu. When you have the flu, you feel miserably sick but then you recover and get back to normal, without any consequences. With cancer it doesn’t work that way. There are physical, psychological and emotional, financial, social and work related consequences, everything is affected.
Physically, treatments leave behind fatigue, sleeping problems, induced menopause, discomforts caused by surgery and chemo, peripheral neuropathy from chemo, aches and pains, nails and hair loss.
The psychological and emotional effects of cancer and treatments are more complex. I can think of fear, anger, worry, frustration, sadness, anxiety, loss of self-confidence, grief and guilt. With these ones I can deal with, the worst part is being able to find a good balance between uncertainty and hope. I will see my doctors more often than I will see some of my good friends. And each doctor’s appointment triggers a series of emotions that start with fear of recurrence and hopefully end with relief and sense of security. And the emotional consequences are extended to my husband, family and close friends. They too worry and feel anxious.
Financially, being away from work for such a long period has a direct impact on income and having had cancer may also have a long term impact on my career. On top of this, insurances and mortgages will become harder to get.
Socially, I feel very often that people don’t understand me, some people don’t know how to behave towards me, I don’t know how to behave around new people and very often I worry about the changes to my appearance and about what people see when they look at me. I think they don’t see me, but the sick me.
Going back to work requires physical and emotional strength and I really admire those who can work during treatments. I know now that I went back too early. I feel completely overwhelmed, I am way too tired and emotionally weak. I definitely suffer from chemo-brain, I can’t concentrate, or talk and write at the level it is required.
I know that with time I will settle back into my old routines, getting out more, exercising more, and enjoying things in general more. Days are longer and weather is getting better, this helps. I am going to start stepping out at Baker Street station and walk through Regents Park back home.

Is that it?

The title of this post should be “1 down 24 more to go” but unfortunately, suffering from chemo-brain, I am not sure if I will be able to count backwards...

Chemo-brain is an interesting phenomenon, I read about it but until recently I couldn’t believe it was real. It all started when I noticed I had difficulties reading, words didn’t make sense and I couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. Then I started forgetting things and very often I couldn’t find the right words to say what I wanted. It is all very subtle, it’s not like if I went completely gaga! At least not yet! It is very frustrating though. I blame it on anxiety and fatigue combined with the chemotherapy treatment. Trying to deal with my current chicken memory condition, I started writing everything on my agenda and keeping lists for everything, but, as expected, I tend to forget to look at my agenda and end up mixing appointment and arriving too early or too late.

Luckily today I got to my first radiotherapy appointment on time, no mix ups, and no delays. I chose to be the first patient every morning, it keeps the rest of my day free and gets me back into a routine. This week I will be discussing the possibility of going back to work with the occupational health physician of my employer, if he agrees that I am well enough to go back, having radiotherapy early in the morning is great, I can go straight from the clinic to the office without wasting too much time.

Let me now try to give a short description of my day. As usual I spent half of the night awake, stressing about everything and upset with myself for not being able to relax. I woke up before the alarm rang and got up feeling dead tired. It is a gloomy, rainy day today, so I decided to take a cab to the clinic instead of waiting for the bus in the dark and rain. After a small chat with the radiotherapist about skin care, side effects and all that usual bla-bla, I signed a form, once again, and went to the treatment room. “Undress waist up”, “lie down here”, “put your arms there”, “a bit more to the side”, “now don’t move”, “try to relax”, etc. The radiotherapists make some pen marks on my skin, right where my lovely tattoos are, align the machine and explain me that they will start by taking an x-ray of my chest. They leave the room, leaving Red Hot Chilli Peppers playing, the By the Way album, if I am not wrong, and after three songs I was done. The radiation is given in two positions and each radiation lasts no longer than 15 or 20 seconds. So, the machine rotates until it gets into the right position, beams me some photons, rotates again, beams me some more and that’s it. I felt absolutely nothing, my arms didn’t hurt and all that stress was for nothing.

That’s it. This was my first radiotherapy session. I got dressed and headed to the ground floor, to the Macmillan centre where I had booked my first massage. I am entitled to four massages, it is a luxury that I will not waste. The massage was nice, I got so relaxed I almost fell asleep.

At noon I had an appointment at the St John and St Elizabeth Hospital with the physiotherapist, once again I lie down, third time this morning, and get a massage and some stretching exercises for my arm, which is getting better and better.

As soon as I got home I applied some of the aqueous cream the radiotherapist gave me. I hope my skin won’t get too damaged.

It doesn’t seem like a lot, but for me this was a full day. I feel exhausted. Going to watch some trash TV now.