Something to look forward to

My sister C. is getting married in September. Not only it makes me feel very happy, it also gives me something to look forward to. Instead of thinking of my next surgery, I am thinking of what to wear and how will my hair look like by then. It is going to be a great day! Congratulations C. and C.

What makes a good day

Life after cancer treatments

Sometimes I have the impression that some people think that because the treatments are finished (not counting with the hormonal treatment, which in fact also has pretty annoying side effects) and because I normally say that I had cancer (in the past tense), that I am supposed to be positive and back to normal. But having cancer is not like having the flu. When you have the flu, you feel miserably sick but then you recover and get back to normal, without any consequences. With cancer it doesn’t work that way. There are physical, psychological and emotional, financial, social and work related consequences, everything is affected.
Physically, treatments leave behind fatigue, sleeping problems, induced menopause, discomforts caused by surgery and chemo, peripheral neuropathy from chemo, aches and pains, nails and hair loss.
The psychological and emotional effects of cancer and treatments are more complex. I can think of fear, anger, worry, frustration, sadness, anxiety, loss of self-confidence, grief and guilt. With these ones I can deal with, the worst part is being able to find a good balance between uncertainty and hope. I will see my doctors more often than I will see some of my good friends. And each doctor’s appointment triggers a series of emotions that start with fear of recurrence and hopefully end with relief and sense of security. And the emotional consequences are extended to my husband, family and close friends. They too worry and feel anxious.
Financially, being away from work for such a long period has a direct impact on income and having had cancer may also have a long term impact on my career. On top of this, insurances and mortgages will become harder to get.
Socially, I feel very often that people don’t understand me, some people don’t know how to behave towards me, I don’t know how to behave around new people and very often I worry about the changes to my appearance and about what people see when they look at me. I think they don’t see me, but the sick me.
Going back to work requires physical and emotional strength and I really admire those who can work during treatments. I know now that I went back too early. I feel completely overwhelmed, I am way too tired and emotionally weak. I definitely suffer from chemo-brain, I can’t concentrate, or talk and write at the level it is required.
I know that with time I will settle back into my old routines, getting out more, exercising more, and enjoying things in general more. Days are longer and weather is getting better, this helps. I am going to start stepping out at Baker Street station and walk through Regents Park back home.

You can take the girl out of Portugal but you can't take Portugal out of the girl!

I had such a great time with my family I wish I could have stayed longer. And there's nothing like walking by the sea to cheer one up. Back in gloomy London now...

Top 10 news of my week

1. The last few remaining eyebrows fell out but the next day I woke up with a vigorous bush of new eyebrows growing. Fantastic! It’s still less than a millimetre long, but it looks great. I miss my dark thick eyebrows.
2. I lost all eyelashes some time ago and just like my eyebrows, the eyelashes are growing strong, very uneven and very slow, but they are there.
3. Ten weeks after the last chemo, the hair on my head is still very weak, scarce and ugly, but it seems to be growing a bit everywhere now. I’m not jumping of happiness yet but I stopped panicking, there’s hope!
4. After a long, stressful and frustrating search, I finally found a really nice bikini, it is pretty and it makes me look perfectly “normal”. It doesn’t cover the chest port, the bump stands out a bit, but I can live with that. I can’t wait to go on holidays now.
5. I started exercising with a personal trainer who has been helping me regain strength in my arms, correct posture, and build some muscle. It’s great and I feel very motivated. I am aware that it will take several months before I recover completely but I am on the right path.
6.  J. started working this week and I miss her company already. I've been so lucky to have here, she's been my guardian angel.
7. Tomorrow is my last radiotherapy session. The end. Time to celebrate. And to celebrate, recharge and get some miminhos from my family, Saturday I am going to Portugal. My mother’s sofa is the best place in the world to rest, nap and be lazy. After Portugal S. and I are going to pamper ourselves in a spa.
8. According to my acupuncturist my Qi is imbalanced (I’m not surprised, I actually think everything about my body is deficient at the moment), and to balance my Qi and help me sleep better I started taking some Chinese herbs.
9. I’ve been eating like a pig and I’m putting on weight faster than I lost during chemo. Urgent action required, bald whales are not attractive!
10. I am preparing myself to get back to work. It’s been eight months and I wonder if I still remember where my desk is...

Papá

I can't believe it's been a year already. Grieving is a strange process. The counselor I've seen a couple of times keeps repeating I have to allow myself to grieve, but I am not quite sure what makes her think I am not grieving. Maybe because so much has happened in the past year, maybe because I don't cry all the time, or maybe I am simply coping well. Things don't necessarily have to be heavy. I rely on my selective memory and think only about the happy moments. I wish I was in Espinho today and not alone here so far. It's been a year since anyone has asked me if I have alreay eaten and if it is cold. In my own way, I miss my father.

Last picture we took together. It was a happy day :)

My last chemo eve

Tomorrow I have my last chemotherapy treatment. Where did the last few months go?

I know I should be happy but no, I am scared. It took me a while to understand why I am feeling scared instead of relieved, I realized I am afraid cancer is not gone and knowing that if it comes back it will not be curable freaks me out (secondary/metastatic breast cancer is not curable). I know I have great chances of being already cancer free and that is how I see things most of the time, but my subconscious is worried about suffering and dying.  Yep, I am only human and I don't want to suffer more and die young.
There's more battles in this war, radiotherapy will start soon and maybe that will make me feel safe again. And there's hormone therapy too and other things that can be done to prevent cancer from coming back like maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

In this post I also want to thank everyone who has been there for me and who go out of their way to encourage me and show their support. A special mention to my sweet husband, to my fantastic sisters and their lovely men, to the best mother in the world, mine, to my friends J., S. and J., to my cousin J., to my aunt A., to the family friend L. and to all my Banif ex-colleagues. I feel touched and emotional. And I am amazed how good people around me are. People with a good heart. If I forgot anyone important, please remember that chemo brain exists!.

My rule number one on how to cope with cancer is: ensure you have a good support network around you.

Ah, I knew I would forget someone: all hospital and clinic staff also deserve a mention.

Help, my glass is almost empty!

I haven’t been much in the mood to write lately, mainly because I haven’t been feeling too well but also because there’s not much to report. In short, my sister C. was here for two weeks which was great and despite the bone pain and the snow we managed to do some nice things together, my internet connexion was down for almost a week and made me realise how much I need it, I had high temperature and got very worried (it ended up being nothing to worry about), I went to see the surgeon and all seems to be well, I fell down the stairs (I hate snow!) and got the biggest bruise I have ever seen in my life, it is the most painful bruise I have ever had too (not to mention the embarrassment of falling in front of strangers) and considering my platelet count, I wonder how long it will take to heal.

I am having a hard time with chemo. I try to ignore the side effects and have a life as normal as possible but the truth is I feel sick all the time and I am exhausted. I put all my energy into not having a meltdown, staying strong and focussing on simple daily activities. All I want is to feel good for at least one day. Since the last chemo session I have been feeling pretty bad, both physically and emotionally. The bone pain didn’t really go away this time, I have trouble sleeping, my whole digestive system is torturing me, my skin is full of brown spots, my eyes are red and tired (I barely have any eyelashes now, my eyes are irritated and tears fall down my face non-stop), my nails look miserable and are sore (are they going to fall?) and the noise in my ear is not getting any better. I hate the way I look and even though people keep telling me I don’t look that bad, I have difficulties recognizing my face in the mirror, it makes me very sad. I am exhausted and can’t sleep at night. I am worried all the time and there’s nothing that can help me relax. My body changed so much in the past six months and I am in such bad shape it makes me realise how healthy I was before.

This Friday I have my last chemo session but somehow I don’t feel happy about it. It’s hard to explain but having chemotherapy gives me the feeling I am fighting cancer. Once chemo is over I am afraid that if one stupid cancer cell managed to survive this horrible treatment, it will start multiplying and form a tumour somewhere else. Without chemotherapy it is like if I am not fighting anymore. I make an effort not to think about it but the fear of recurrence is always there. It will always be there. Every time I have an appointment with the surgeon or the oncologist I get extremely anxious. I am always afraid they will find something and have bad news to give me. When the surgeon checks my chest, tummy, glands and back I can’t stop thinking he might find something that shouldn’t be there. It is scary. What I find scary as well is starting a new treatment and changing my daily routine. Soon I will start radiotherapy and hormone therapy which is supposed to be a lot easier than chemotherapy. Looking on the bright side, my hair will start growing back, I will feel less sick, I might be able to go back to work, my short-term memory and ability to concentrate will return, my taste buds will go back to normal and most important of all I will stop poisoning my poor tired body. I dream with a detox holiday after all this is over. I want to clean my body from all these drugs and get back in shape. Maybe who knows even run a marathon! Hummm, now that I think of it, running a marathon is probably as traumatic as chemotherapy, I never liked running.

I look forward to the end of all this. I can’t wait to hear the words “you are cancer free”. Unfortunately for the next five years I will be in remission, not cancer free. A long wait still...

As I said, chemo is hard and I am glad it will soon be over. But it is very demoralising to know that until Friday morning I will be feeling relatively ok and then 12 hours later I will be feeling miserable, sick and in pain again. Until recently I thought I had a high pain threshold but since I experienced bone pain I think differently. For the first time I had to use the term unbearable pain and ask for stronger painkillers. Long live Tramadol!

All I can do lately is whine. I cry more and I smile less. Being a cancer patient is not easy but being around one is not a piece of cake either. I feel sorry for my husband, family and close friends, but I really appreciate all the support they have been giving me. Without them all this would be a lot harder.

Dia de Todos-os-Santos

The 1st of November in Portugal is a public holiday, it is a day when people go to the cemetery with candles and flowers to put on the graves of dead relatives or friends. Some people say prayers for the dead.

This year I am going to light a candle at home in memory of my father. Not for him, but for me. I don’t talk much about it, but I feel I haven’t had time to grieve properly.

Happy Deepavali!

The festival celebrates the victory of good over evil, light over darkness and knowledge over ignorance.

Ramayana: The story of Rama and Sita

Set in India, Rama (incarnation of the God Vishnu) and his wife Sita have been banished from their kingdom of Kosala for fourteen years, due to a plot by the mother of one of Rama's four brothers to keep Rama from the throne. Rama's brother, Laksmana, accompanies the couple. King Rawana of Ceylon spies the beautiful Sita and creates a plan to abduct her. He sends one of his minions, magically disguised as a golden deer to entice Rama and Laksmana away from Sita. Rama goes after the deer, instructing Laksmana not to leave Sita. Rama brings down the golden deer with his bow and arrow. The golden deer reverts to its original shape and with its dying breath calls out "Help, help, help" in Rama's voice. Sita, hearing Rama's voice, entreats Laksmana to go and help Rama. When he refuses, she goads him into leaving. Laksmana draws a magic circle around Sita and tells her that she must stay inside it until he and Rama return. When Sita is alone, Rawana appears, disguised as an ailing old man, who begs Sita for help. When Sita steps out of the magic circle to aid the old man, the old man changes into Rawana and abducts Sita, telling her that Rama is dead. He rises in the air with her and flies to his Kingdom.

Garuda spies Rawana carrying off Sita and they battle in the air. Rawana delivers a fatal wound to Garuda who falls to the ground, where he is discovered by Rama and Laksmana. Garuda is near death and manages to tell Rama of his failure to rescue Sita.

Rama and Laksmana travel onward and enlist the aid of the army of wanaras, a race of huge monkeys. Sugriwa, King of the wanaras, agrees to help Rama rescue Sita in return for Rama's support of Sugriwa's attempt to regain his rightful throne in the land of Guakiskenda. When Sugriwa meets his nemesis, Subali, Rama saves Sugriwa's life with a magic arrow which kills Subali. After Sugriwa is crowned King of Guakiskenda, the white monkey general, Hanuman, is sent to Alengka (Ceylon) to scout the defences and to deliver Rama's ring to Sita, so that she would know that Rama was alive.

After a narrow escape from the stomach of Wikateksi, the enormous sea monster which guarded the approaches to Alengka, Hanuman kills Wikateksi and flies to the capital of Alengka, the kingdom of the giants. Fortunately, there are many monkeys living among the giants, which provide cover for Hanuman, who reduces his size. He looks everywhere in the city for Sita. Eventually Hanuman finds Rawana's palace and the women's quarters. Hanuman meets Sita in the garden and gives her Rama's ring, which she recognizes at once, and tells her that Rama is on his way to rescue her.

Hanuman, in order to test the strength of the city, resumes his normal size, climbs to the top of a tall building and hurls a challenge to the awestruck crowd below. He begins to destroy the buildings around him by using an uprooted palm tree as a club. He is felled by an arrow shot by the crown prince of Alengka, Hindrajit. Hanuman is shackled in chains and sentenced to die by slow fire. Hanuman appeals to Agni, the god of fire, to save him. A wall of flame springs up between Hanuman and the watching crowd. With a burst of strength, Hanuman breaks his bonds, and swinging a glowing torch picked up from the fire, goes on a rampage which ends in the burning of a large part of the city. Assuring himself that Sita's pavilion is safe, Hanuman leaps into the air and flies back to Guakiskenda.

After hearing of Hanuman's exploits, Rama adopts him as his own son. The army then heads for Alengka, which they find surrounded by a boiling sea. By hurling huge boulders into the sea, the monkey soldiers build a causeway to the island. Rawana learns of the invasion and assembles his generals. Some of the generals resent Rawana's evil rule, but heretofore have lacked the courage to oppose him. Wibisana, Rawana's brother, as spokesman, points out that it was because Rawana abducted Sita that Alengka is now beset by enemy armies. He suggests that Rawana release Sita and avoid bloodshed and loss of life and property. Angered, Rawana strikes Wibisana, who then deserts to Rama's army. Rawana is tempted to murder Sita, but is thwarted by Trijata, Wibisana's beautiful daughter, who has grown to love Sita as a sister. Rawana turns to another brother, the giant Kumbakarna, who although disapproving of Rawana's crimes and baseness, decides to help because they are of the same blood.

After many guerrilla attacks by the monkey soldiers, the two armies finally face each other. Two opposing generals, Kumbakarna and Laksmana challenge each other. Kumbakarna is killed by Laksmana's magic arrow. Other duels take place on the battlefield. Rama spots Rawana and pursues him, shooting showers of arrows, which seem to have no effect on Rawana other than to make him back off. Rawana backs in between two unusually formed rocks which snap together and hold him in an inescapable grip. These rocks are inhabited by the souls of two of his daughters, who Rawana had murdered, and who are at last able to avenge themselves on their father.

Rawana's army surrenders and Rama gives the throne of Alengka to Wibisana. Rama and Sita are joyfully united. The fourteen years of exile being over, Rama, Sita and Laksmana return to Kosala, where they are welcomed by all. However, rumours circulate about Sita's virtue. She offers to test her virtue by fire. She enters the ring of fire and emerges unscathed, her faithfulness confirmed. When the rumours persist, she leaves the palace for the spiritual life.

Only child for a while

When we were little girls and my father was away travelling, we used to climb into my mother’s bed, early in the morning. We always had to fight to see who would lie down next to her, we are three sisters and my mother only has two sides, so we knew one of us would always lose. We would also prepare her breakfast, poor mamã, burnt toasts with too much butter and watery coffee! It was probably not a very relaxing awakening for her. But a lot of fun for us.



Enjoying the sun in the garden, yesterday.



I thought of these moments yesterday, when my mother left to go back to Portugal. She came before chemo started to keep me company, help me and make sure I am ok. It was so nice to have her just for myself, no need divide her attention or fight to see who sits next to her. Nowadays I have to compete with my nephews more than with my sisters for her attention, eh eh! I don’t mind loosing against them, they are so irresistibly cute.

The moment she left, I immediately missed her.

You’re spoiling me!

Everyone around me has been so amazing I will really miss it once all this is over.

I am aware that my cancer hasn’t just affected me, it has affected my family, friends and colleagues in some way too. And everybody has been exceptional in giving me emotional and practical support.

I am happy :)

Cultural diversity

I am married to an African of Indian origin, brought up bilingual French/ English, influenced by European culture, who feels at home in South East Asia. This is what I call living in a multi-cultural environment. Even though the world is a melting pot of different cultures, genes and nationalities, the truth is we never think much about it. A time will come when it will become rare to find anyone of purely one ethnicity. I grew up atheist in a conservative sexist society and learned how to deal with it. I am now experiencing xenophobic, racist, prejudiced and ignorant behaviours and I wonder how long it will take me to learn how to react to it without feeling angry, frustrated and even disgusted.

Manas Antunes

Que saudades...

Beschuit met muisjes

And the family keeps growing

Like mother, like daughter

Everyone says that, of my mother's three daughters, I look the most like her. Looking at this picture I have to agree.

Going home

At the end of the day, when I am about to leave the office, I usually say “I am going home”. But I also say that I am going home when I am going to visit my parents and sisters. In Dutch there are two words for family: ‘gezin’ used to talk about nuclear family (husband/wife and children) and ‘familie’ referring to extended family (every person related to each other). I wish there were two words for home too, one the place I live in, where I wake up every day, eat my meals and keep my belongings, and other the place where I come from. Maybe even a third word meaning the place where I feel I belong to. Good thing is, some time ago I realized I belong to where I am and in the end I am very lucky because I have two homes to go to.