Life after cancer treatments

Sometimes I have the impression that some people think that because the treatments are finished (not counting with the hormonal treatment, which in fact also has pretty annoying side effects) and because I normally say that I had cancer (in the past tense), that I am supposed to be positive and back to normal. But having cancer is not like having the flu. When you have the flu, you feel miserably sick but then you recover and get back to normal, without any consequences. With cancer it doesn’t work that way. There are physical, psychological and emotional, financial, social and work related consequences, everything is affected.
Physically, treatments leave behind fatigue, sleeping problems, induced menopause, discomforts caused by surgery and chemo, peripheral neuropathy from chemo, aches and pains, nails and hair loss.
The psychological and emotional effects of cancer and treatments are more complex. I can think of fear, anger, worry, frustration, sadness, anxiety, loss of self-confidence, grief and guilt. With these ones I can deal with, the worst part is being able to find a good balance between uncertainty and hope. I will see my doctors more often than I will see some of my good friends. And each doctor’s appointment triggers a series of emotions that start with fear of recurrence and hopefully end with relief and sense of security. And the emotional consequences are extended to my husband, family and close friends. They too worry and feel anxious.
Financially, being away from work for such a long period has a direct impact on income and having had cancer may also have a long term impact on my career. On top of this, insurances and mortgages will become harder to get.
Socially, I feel very often that people don’t understand me, some people don’t know how to behave towards me, I don’t know how to behave around new people and very often I worry about the changes to my appearance and about what people see when they look at me. I think they don’t see me, but the sick me.
Going back to work requires physical and emotional strength and I really admire those who can work during treatments. I know now that I went back too early. I feel completely overwhelmed, I am way too tired and emotionally weak. I definitely suffer from chemo-brain, I can’t concentrate, or talk and write at the level it is required.
I know that with time I will settle back into my old routines, getting out more, exercising more, and enjoying things in general more. Days are longer and weather is getting better, this helps. I am going to start stepping out at Baker Street station and walk through Regents Park back home.

Working against me

Going back to work has been a lot harder than I thought. I can't concentrate, I feel exhausted, anxious and insecure. The first week was ok, I was acclimatising. The second week was a nightmare, I felt less than the others, observed, slow and incapable of performing. I burst into tears every night and I couldn't even explain exactly why. I was so convinced that going back to work would shut the cancer door and open the normal life door, but things are not that easy, are they? I carry a heavy load on my shoulders everywhere I go and I don't seem to be able to let go. This week I gained courage and I asked to continue working reduced hours for a couple of more weeks. I'm letting myself down, I'm angry and I really wish things were different.
One thing I promised myself when I learned I had cancer was that I wouldn't get a depression. It's bad enough as it is, the last thing I need is to have to deal with a depression. But I can see it coming: lethargy, insomnia, irritability, sadness, crying, unable to have fun, lack of initiative. I can't let that happen, I don't want to look back one day and see wasted time. Today I went to see the psychologist who thinks I am not depressed, just being too hard on myself. She gave me a couple of tasks I have to put in practice during the next week, let's see if I manage to do it. One thing she said stayed on my mind: do what you feel like doing and not what you think you should be doing. Do what gives you pleasure, not what you think you should be doing. The problem is, I don't know anymore what I enjoy doing and most of the times I don't feel like doing anything, talking to anyone or going anywhere. All I want is for things to be like they were before. Nothing else.

Not what I had planned

6:45am: the alarm goes off – Oh no, time to get up already! Don’t feel good, was awake the whole night, have a headache and no energy to move. Snooze.

6:54am: the alarm goes off again – first attempt to get up. Unsuccessful. Snooze.

7:03am: the alarm goes off once again – second attempt. Feeling light-headed. I ask S.: "Do you think I can stay at home today, I don’t feel 100%?" Answer: "Of course, listen to your body and don’t feel guilty." I move closer to S. to cuddle up.

7:15am: feeling guilty I get up and have breakfast. Still not feeling well. Back to bed.

8:00am: up again. I decide I should make an effort. I’m worried my boss and colleagues will think I am lazy. “Are you crazy, your wellbeing comes first!” says S.. I get annoyed but I know he is right. Still, in a spirit of contradiction, I try to shower. Damn it, it’s true, I can’t wet the stitches. So I get even crankier. Finally I tell my boss I won’t make it today.

8:30am: back in bed feeling moody, sad and not well.

10:00am: managed to sleep one hour. Listening to Antena 3 and reading in bed.

I still think I should be in the office, not in bed. So much for wanting to get back to normal. Life sucks!

A new start

I had such a warm welcome at work yesterday. Everyone came to say hello, give me a hug and a smile. We even had cake! It was great. I was afraid it would be awkward and that I would feel uncomfortable but after a couple of hours it felt like if I've never been away. There are two new faces in the team but apart from that not much seems to have changed. I need to do lots of reading to catch up but I am motivated and pretty sure I will feel at home in no time.

Organised as I am, I planned in advance how I would answer eventual questions. I understand people are curious but I don’t want to talk too much about it, give too many details or give vague answers that will lead to speculation. I feel good and that is what people need to know.
I am happy I work with nice people.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go

Tomorrow is the big day, I am returning to work after being off sick for many many months. I feel like if it is my first job, or a bit like if I am going to be the new girl in class. But at the same time I am super excited and can't wait to go back.
I am worried that I will not be able to do my work anymore, I know that I can't concentrate as before and that I am still very tired. And probably a lot of things have changed since I left. It's going to be a challenge, more like a whole new beginning.
Not everyone is aware of the reason why I was off sick for so long and I hope I am not bombarded with questions, I am not sure if I feel like talking about it over and over again. Once they see me it will be clear that I had chemo, I am still wearing a scarf which says enough I believe.
Today after spending a couple of hours in the sun reading, I went for a massage, a facial and a manicure (to hide these horrible yellowish-brown decrepit nails!). I feel great. I needed to have a relaxed day.