In difficult situations I never know what to say to people and very often I can’t find the right words and end up saying empty sentences and maybe even making insensitive remarks. So, I understand that sometimes, although well-meant (or not), people may say the wrong thing.
I’ve made a short list of the things I think people should not say to a cancer patient:
“No one knows when they are going to die. I could be hit by a bus and die tomorrow.” F***! What crosses people’s mind to talk about death to someone with a serious illness? Honestly... Do you know how I feel most of the time? Like if I’ve been hit by a bus, not once, but over and over again. It is true we all die of something at an undetermined date, but being faced with your own mortality after a cancer diagnosis is different.
“So, did the treatments work?” Unfortunately there isn’t a blood or urine test that can confirm that. Cancer can be as small as a single cell and undetectable in a scan. So, let’s see, if I die of cancer it means it didn’t work.
“Fatigue? But you don’t look tired.” I don’t think most people understand what it is like to be uncomfortable in your own body for almost a year now, not being able to sleep for almost five months now, not having energy to do simple things and feeling generally weak.
“You look great for someone who went through what you did.” Or even worse: “You look great, you must be feeling good.” Don’t assume that. Just because I am not crying all the time, I am wearing make-up and colourful clothes, able to laugh and tell some jokes, it doesn’t mean I feel great. I may look good (considering what I’ve been through!), but it feels like crap at times. And how is a cancer patient supposed to look like anyway?
“Look on the bright side, you will get a boob job for free.” First, I was happy the way I was before. Second, have you ever seen reconstructed breasts after a mastectomy? Obviously not. Do you like the way your nipples feel? Well, I wish I could feel mine too. Breast surgeons and plastic surgeons are geniuses and in some cases artists, but breast reconstruction is not the same as breast augmentation. And there's no bright side in loosing part of your body.
“I know how you feel.” Do you really? It’s ok to show sympathy but unless you went through exactly the same, you have no idea what it is like. When I hear this, all I feel is loneliness.
“God has a purpose in all this." "Pray to god." or anything related with god. Don’t assume I am religious. If god exists it is being quite cruel at the moment and I don’t see the purpose of that. I haven’t done anything wrong. If god has a plan, it is a pretty screwed up plan in my view. I prefer to rely on real things like medicine, family and friends. I don’t think people get cancer or any other serious disease for a reason, it is just a consequence of a series of factors.
“You’re so lucky you have so much free time.” Well, let me tell you, if I could choose between working and being sick, I would rather work 60 hours a week.
“My aunt, cousin, sister, brother, uncle, mother, neighbour or whoever died of cancer.” Why are you telling me this? I am scared enough as it is. And save the horror stories about the treatments, recovery and recurrence for some other time.
“Everything is going to be all right.” How can you know that? Even my doctors don’t know that. By saying this, people just make me feel guilty for being worried, sad and afraid.
“You have to stay positive.” Don’t tell me how I should feel. And if I am not positive? Am I disappointing a lot of people? Is positive a synonym of denial, anger, depression, anxiety and panic? No, I don’t think it is and I am sorry to disappoint you by saying that I feel all these as well.
“Your hair will grow back.” Don’t state the obvious. I live in the present not in the future. Have you ever tried feeling attractive and self-confident without hair?
“I love short hair?” Do you really? Then shall we go together to the hairdresser so you can copy my hairstyle?
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