This year I am going to light a candle at home in memory of my father. Not for him, but for me. I don’t talk much about it, but I feel I haven’t had time to grieve properly.
31 October 2010
Dia de Todos-os-Santos
The 1st of November in Portugal is a public holiday, it is a day when people go to the cemetery with candles and flowers to put on the graves of dead relatives or friends. Some people say prayers for the dead.
This year I am going to light a candle at home in memory of my father. Not for him, but for me. I don’t talk much about it, but I feel I haven’t had time to grieve properly.
This year I am going to light a candle at home in memory of my father. Not for him, but for me. I don’t talk much about it, but I feel I haven’t had time to grieve properly.
In pain
Yesterday I was happy because although I felt exhausted and weak I managed to go for a walk in Hampstead Heath in the morning. It was a beautiful sunny autumn morning.
Today the story is different, I woke up in the middle of the night with the most intense and unpleasant pain I ever felt before. My whole body was in pain. Or shall I say, is in pain. It is a constant pain, it hasn’t stopped since.
The doctor warned me that one of the side effects could be severe muscle, bone and joint pain and she even prescribed some pretty strong pain killers, but I didn’t think it was going to be like this. I can hardly move. I am so aware of every single part of my body and every single part of it is in pain.
I took a long warm bath which helped a bit, I feel calmer and more relaxed, but standing and sitting is proving to be very painful. I hate being in pain, it just makes me feel so down. If I could I would cry the whole day.
Today the story is different, I woke up in the middle of the night with the most intense and unpleasant pain I ever felt before. My whole body was in pain. Or shall I say, is in pain. It is a constant pain, it hasn’t stopped since.
The doctor warned me that one of the side effects could be severe muscle, bone and joint pain and she even prescribed some pretty strong pain killers, but I didn’t think it was going to be like this. I can hardly move. I am so aware of every single part of my body and every single part of it is in pain.
I took a long warm bath which helped a bit, I feel calmer and more relaxed, but standing and sitting is proving to be very painful. I hate being in pain, it just makes me feel so down. If I could I would cry the whole day.
Happy Deepavali!
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| The festival celebrates the victory of good over evil, light over darkness and knowledge over ignorance. |
Ramayana: The story of Rama and Sita
Set in India, Rama (incarnation of the God Vishnu) and his wife Sita have been banished from their kingdom of Kosala for fourteen years, due to a plot by the mother of one of Rama's four brothers to keep Rama from the throne. Rama's brother, Laksmana, accompanies the couple. King Rawana of Ceylon spies the beautiful Sita and creates a plan to abduct her. He sends one of his minions, magically disguised as a golden deer to entice Rama and Laksmana away from Sita. Rama goes after the deer, instructing Laksmana not to leave Sita. Rama brings down the golden deer with his bow and arrow. The golden deer reverts to its original shape and with its dying breath calls out "Help, help, help" in Rama's voice. Sita, hearing Rama's voice, entreats Laksmana to go and help Rama. When he refuses, she goads him into leaving. Laksmana draws a magic circle around Sita and tells her that she must stay inside it until he and Rama return. When Sita is alone, Rawana appears, disguised as an ailing old man, who begs Sita for help. When Sita steps out of the magic circle to aid the old man, the old man changes into Rawana and abducts Sita, telling her that Rama is dead. He rises in the air with her and flies to his Kingdom.
Garuda spies Rawana carrying off Sita and they battle in the air. Rawana delivers a fatal wound to Garuda who falls to the ground, where he is discovered by Rama and Laksmana. Garuda is near death and manages to tell Rama of his failure to rescue Sita.
Rama and Laksmana travel onward and enlist the aid of the army of wanaras, a race of huge monkeys. Sugriwa, King of the wanaras, agrees to help Rama rescue Sita in return for Rama's support of Sugriwa's attempt to regain his rightful throne in the land of Guakiskenda. When Sugriwa meets his nemesis, Subali, Rama saves Sugriwa's life with a magic arrow which kills Subali. After Sugriwa is crowned King of Guakiskenda, the white monkey general, Hanuman, is sent to Alengka (Ceylon) to scout the defences and to deliver Rama's ring to Sita, so that she would know that Rama was alive.
After a narrow escape from the stomach of Wikateksi, the enormous sea monster which guarded the approaches to Alengka, Hanuman kills Wikateksi and flies to the capital of Alengka, the kingdom of the giants. Fortunately, there are many monkeys living among the giants, which provide cover for Hanuman, who reduces his size. He looks everywhere in the city for Sita. Eventually Hanuman finds Rawana's palace and the women's quarters. Hanuman meets Sita in the garden and gives her Rama's ring, which she recognizes at once, and tells her that Rama is on his way to rescue her.
Hanuman, in order to test the strength of the city, resumes his normal size, climbs to the top of a tall building and hurls a challenge to the awestruck crowd below. He begins to destroy the buildings around him by using an uprooted palm tree as a club. He is felled by an arrow shot by the crown prince of Alengka, Hindrajit. Hanuman is shackled in chains and sentenced to die by slow fire. Hanuman appeals to Agni, the god of fire, to save him. A wall of flame springs up between Hanuman and the watching crowd. With a burst of strength, Hanuman breaks his bonds, and swinging a glowing torch picked up from the fire, goes on a rampage which ends in the burning of a large part of the city. Assuring himself that Sita's pavilion is safe, Hanuman leaps into the air and flies back to Guakiskenda.
After hearing of Hanuman's exploits, Rama adopts him as his own son. The army then heads for Alengka, which they find surrounded by a boiling sea. By hurling huge boulders into the sea, the monkey soldiers build a causeway to the island. Rawana learns of the invasion and assembles his generals. Some of the generals resent Rawana's evil rule, but heretofore have lacked the courage to oppose him. Wibisana, Rawana's brother, as spokesman, points out that it was because Rawana abducted Sita that Alengka is now beset by enemy armies. He suggests that Rawana release Sita and avoid bloodshed and loss of life and property. Angered, Rawana strikes Wibisana, who then deserts to Rama's army. Rawana is tempted to murder Sita, but is thwarted by Trijata, Wibisana's beautiful daughter, who has grown to love Sita as a sister. Rawana turns to another brother, the giant Kumbakarna, who although disapproving of Rawana's crimes and baseness, decides to help because they are of the same blood.
After many guerrilla attacks by the monkey soldiers, the two armies finally face each other. Two opposing generals, Kumbakarna and Laksmana challenge each other. Kumbakarna is killed by Laksmana's magic arrow. Other duels take place on the battlefield. Rama spots Rawana and pursues him, shooting showers of arrows, which seem to have no effect on Rawana other than to make him back off. Rawana backs in between two unusually formed rocks which snap together and hold him in an inescapable grip. These rocks are inhabited by the souls of two of his daughters, who Rawana had murdered, and who are at last able to avenge themselves on their father.
Rawana's army surrenders and Rama gives the throne of Alengka to Wibisana. Rama and Sita are joyfully united. The fourteen years of exile being over, Rama, Sita and Laksmana return to Kosala, where they are welcomed by all. However, rumours circulate about Sita's virtue. She offers to test her virtue by fire. She enters the ring of fire and emerges unscathed, her faithfulness confirmed. When the rumours persist, she leaves the palace for the spiritual life.
29 October 2010
4 down, 2 more to go
Chemotherapy: take 4
It feels a bit like groundhog day by now. I wake up after a bad night sleep, feeling anxious and slightly scared, get ready, take a cab and arrive at The Harley Street Clinic for one more consultation with my oncologist. She goes through all side effects and medication, talks to me about how to best manage the side effects and about the new drug I am taking now, Taxotere. She answers my questions, always in a very positive way, making me feel confident and calm. I then go to the chemotherapy day unit, where I choose my chair, the one on the corner, by the window. S. sits next to me, like always, keeping me company while reading and listening to the radio that is playing softly in the room. The nurses greet us in a very nice way as usual and once again they go through the side effects of the Taxotere and explain how my treatment is going to be that day.
The results of the blood tests done the previous day show that my blood counts are within acceptable limits, meaning that the treatment can go ahead as planned. The nurse gives me the anti-sickness pill one hour before treatment starts. He checks my temperature, blood pressure and weight. By the way I’ve put on 1,5 kilos since last treatment which is great because I wasn’t supposed to lose more than 5 kilos and I had already lost 6. The nurses were a bit concerned about my weight loss. With Taxotere I may put on weight because of the steroids I have to take, but hopefully I will manage to stay the same, I will for sure make an effort not to turn into a fat whale. My self-esteem is already at its worse, soon I will have to hide all the mirrors in the house.
The drug is administered via the port-a-cath that I have now on my chest. It is so much better this way, it is faster and less painful. The only pain I felt was when the needle was inserted, and then when it was removed. I wish I had the port since the first day. It is a bit weird though to have something underneath your skin, with a tube in your vein, but I try not to think about it much.
While the infusion is given, I read, chat a bit, and enjoy the reflexology. It is in general a very relaxing day, despite all the stress that comes with it.
In the meantime, the pharmacist comes along with the list of medication I have to take at home, and the usual big bag full of medicines plus the Neulasta injection that I dislike but learned to give to myself to avoid one more trip to the clinic. Once again, she explains what to take and when and answers my questions.
Before removing the needle, the nurse flushes the port-a-cath to ensure it is open and unobstructed.
By 1pm I was already at home, feeling tired and slightly sickish, but nothing too bad. I had a proper dinner and went early to bed.
Today I had a reasonably good day. I just feel extremely tired and slightly nauseous, nothing I am not used to by now. S. stayed at home to keep me company. Having someone around makes me feel calmer. And it is nice to have someone to re-fill my glass of water and give me little kisses.
With the Taxotere I may experience the following side effects:
•Low white blood cell count (increases risk of infections)
•Low red blood cell count (anaemia)
•Fluid retention with weight gain, swelling of the ankles or abdominal area (great, just what I needed, I will turn into a bald big fat whale!)
•Peripheral neuropathy (numbness in fingers and toes)
•Nausea
•Diarrhoea
•Mouth sores
•Hair loss (too late, almost all is gone by now!)
•Fatigue and weakness
•Nail changes (nails may fall off)
•Vomiting
•Muscle, bone and joint pain
•Low platelet count (increases risk of bleeding)
•Allergic reactions (rash, flushing, fever, lowered blood pressure)
•Infusion site reactions
It feels a bit like groundhog day by now. I wake up after a bad night sleep, feeling anxious and slightly scared, get ready, take a cab and arrive at The Harley Street Clinic for one more consultation with my oncologist. She goes through all side effects and medication, talks to me about how to best manage the side effects and about the new drug I am taking now, Taxotere. She answers my questions, always in a very positive way, making me feel confident and calm. I then go to the chemotherapy day unit, where I choose my chair, the one on the corner, by the window. S. sits next to me, like always, keeping me company while reading and listening to the radio that is playing softly in the room. The nurses greet us in a very nice way as usual and once again they go through the side effects of the Taxotere and explain how my treatment is going to be that day.
The results of the blood tests done the previous day show that my blood counts are within acceptable limits, meaning that the treatment can go ahead as planned. The nurse gives me the anti-sickness pill one hour before treatment starts. He checks my temperature, blood pressure and weight. By the way I’ve put on 1,5 kilos since last treatment which is great because I wasn’t supposed to lose more than 5 kilos and I had already lost 6. The nurses were a bit concerned about my weight loss. With Taxotere I may put on weight because of the steroids I have to take, but hopefully I will manage to stay the same, I will for sure make an effort not to turn into a fat whale. My self-esteem is already at its worse, soon I will have to hide all the mirrors in the house.
The drug is administered via the port-a-cath that I have now on my chest. It is so much better this way, it is faster and less painful. The only pain I felt was when the needle was inserted, and then when it was removed. I wish I had the port since the first day. It is a bit weird though to have something underneath your skin, with a tube in your vein, but I try not to think about it much.
While the infusion is given, I read, chat a bit, and enjoy the reflexology. It is in general a very relaxing day, despite all the stress that comes with it.
In the meantime, the pharmacist comes along with the list of medication I have to take at home, and the usual big bag full of medicines plus the Neulasta injection that I dislike but learned to give to myself to avoid one more trip to the clinic. Once again, she explains what to take and when and answers my questions.
Before removing the needle, the nurse flushes the port-a-cath to ensure it is open and unobstructed.
By 1pm I was already at home, feeling tired and slightly sickish, but nothing too bad. I had a proper dinner and went early to bed.
Today I had a reasonably good day. I just feel extremely tired and slightly nauseous, nothing I am not used to by now. S. stayed at home to keep me company. Having someone around makes me feel calmer. And it is nice to have someone to re-fill my glass of water and give me little kisses.
With the Taxotere I may experience the following side effects:
•Low white blood cell count (increases risk of infections)
•Low red blood cell count (anaemia)
•Fluid retention with weight gain, swelling of the ankles or abdominal area (great, just what I needed, I will turn into a bald big fat whale!)
•Peripheral neuropathy (numbness in fingers and toes)
•Nausea
•Diarrhoea
•Mouth sores
•Hair loss (too late, almost all is gone by now!)
•Fatigue and weakness
•Nail changes (nails may fall off)
•Vomiting
•Muscle, bone and joint pain
•Low platelet count (increases risk of bleeding)
•Allergic reactions (rash, flushing, fever, lowered blood pressure)
•Infusion site reactions
Coping with chemotherapy
Each chemotherapy drug causes its own specific side effects and each patient reacts differently to chemotherapy, both emotionally and physically. Other people might have different ways of surviving chemotherapy, but here is a small list of what is helping me to go through chemotherapy:
- A caring and dedicated support network: husband, family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, acquaintances, nurses, doctors and all healthcare staff. Having emotional support is more important than I ever imagined. This had to be the first one on my list because it is by far the most important.
- Trying not to compare myself to other patients, side effects vary and tolerance to pain and discomfort varies greatly from person to person.
- Drinking plenty of water, and I mean really a lot of water.
- Drinking ginger tea and eating ginger cookies to help with the nausea.
- Eating only what appeals to me and in small amounts, making sure it is a balanced diet.
- Resting, taking naps, sleeping.
- Going for walks every day, avoiding lying down of the sofa all the time.
- Keeping myself informed and planning ahead.
- Keeping a positive attitude and never giving up.
- Accepting the changes, after all, it is only temporary and chemo will help me to live longer.
27 October 2010
Pink explosion
After the C-bomb (cancer) dropped on my life, we have now the P-explosion (pink).
I had enough of Pink October. Breast Cancer Awareness Month should in my opinion be called Cure Breast Cancer Month.
Sometimes I just want to feel normal and not be reminded every minute that I have breast cancer. But it is hard to forget when everywhere you go and everywhere you look there’s something pink. Advertisements in the newspapers and magazines, posters in the tube, little pink ribbons for sale by the till at any shop, pink mugs, pink wigs, pink chocolates, pink perfumes, pink lipsticks, pink socks, pink umbrellas, pink mobile phones, pink coca-cola.., and so on and so on.... It’s an over kill. Even I had a pink moment a while back. Sometimes I have an impression companies are using the Pink October campaign to promote their products more than anything else. Although I am also aware that a lot o companies are genuinely trying to support cancer campaigns and without their support a lot of funds would be lost.
Wouldn’t all this money be better spent on research? I wonder how much funds are raised and how much is actually spent on research. Please find the cause of cancer, a cure for it and patient friendly treatments. I know I am asking a lot, but I do hope we can get it soon.
More than awareness, we need a cure. We need also to learn how to prevent it. Aren’t we all aware of it already? It doesn’t only happen to others (as I naively believed in before) and early detection can save your live (as I hope it will save mine). But even knowing I have a good prognosis I still fear the M-word (metastasis) and the R-word (recurrence) and I wish everyday for someone to find the cure for cancer.
Today I saw a completely pink cab saying “Wear it pink”. I needed a cab but I took the bus instead.
About feeling normal, I have to add that more and more I have the need to feel normal and although I have no problem talking about my cancer and answering any question people might have, I really enjoy the moments when I can talk about other things. The other day I went out with two friends and apart from a comment about my head scarf because they hadn’t seen me without hair yet and I understand my look has changed, we did not talk about cancer. It was so nice not to think about it for a couple of hours.
I had enough of Pink October. Breast Cancer Awareness Month should in my opinion be called Cure Breast Cancer Month.
Sometimes I just want to feel normal and not be reminded every minute that I have breast cancer. But it is hard to forget when everywhere you go and everywhere you look there’s something pink. Advertisements in the newspapers and magazines, posters in the tube, little pink ribbons for sale by the till at any shop, pink mugs, pink wigs, pink chocolates, pink perfumes, pink lipsticks, pink socks, pink umbrellas, pink mobile phones, pink coca-cola.., and so on and so on.... It’s an over kill. Even I had a pink moment a while back. Sometimes I have an impression companies are using the Pink October campaign to promote their products more than anything else. Although I am also aware that a lot o companies are genuinely trying to support cancer campaigns and without their support a lot of funds would be lost.
Wouldn’t all this money be better spent on research? I wonder how much funds are raised and how much is actually spent on research. Please find the cause of cancer, a cure for it and patient friendly treatments. I know I am asking a lot, but I do hope we can get it soon.
More than awareness, we need a cure. We need also to learn how to prevent it. Aren’t we all aware of it already? It doesn’t only happen to others (as I naively believed in before) and early detection can save your live (as I hope it will save mine). But even knowing I have a good prognosis I still fear the M-word (metastasis) and the R-word (recurrence) and I wish everyday for someone to find the cure for cancer.
Today I saw a completely pink cab saying “Wear it pink”. I needed a cab but I took the bus instead.
About feeling normal, I have to add that more and more I have the need to feel normal and although I have no problem talking about my cancer and answering any question people might have, I really enjoy the moments when I can talk about other things. The other day I went out with two friends and apart from a comment about my head scarf because they hadn’t seen me without hair yet and I understand my look has changed, we did not talk about cancer. It was so nice not to think about it for a couple of hours.
Ruining my good mood
I hate chemo! I’ve said this before and it stays true. I simply hate it and I have to admit that it crossed my mind to refuse any further treatments. But I won’t because I am too wise (and no one around me would allow me to that anyway). So, tomorrow I will go to another session very much against my will.
I’ve been feeling so good lately, it is a shame we have to ruin that. I even have small episodes of some kind of anxiety or panic attacks when I think of what is coming. Exaggerating? Me? Nãaaaa...
Plus, the phlebitis remains the same, painful, annoying and uncomfortable and, even worse, my eyebrows are fading away. I give it one, maybe two, more weeks of life, after that I will definitely look like an egg. I really really wish they didn’t fall out. Funny enough, completely unnecessary hair like the hair on my arms hasn’t fallen out yet and there’s no sign of weakness. How come?
Need to go now, I have to go to the clinic for the pre-chemo tests.
I’ve been feeling so good lately, it is a shame we have to ruin that. I even have small episodes of some kind of anxiety or panic attacks when I think of what is coming. Exaggerating? Me? Nãaaaa...
Plus, the phlebitis remains the same, painful, annoying and uncomfortable and, even worse, my eyebrows are fading away. I give it one, maybe two, more weeks of life, after that I will definitely look like an egg. I really really wish they didn’t fall out. Funny enough, completely unnecessary hair like the hair on my arms hasn’t fallen out yet and there’s no sign of weakness. How come?
Need to go now, I have to go to the clinic for the pre-chemo tests.
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