23 February 2011
You can take the girl out of Portugal but you can't take Portugal out of the girl!
I had such a great time with my family I wish I could have stayed longer. And there's nothing like walking by the sea to cheer one up. Back in gloomy London now...
18 February 2011
What’s next?
Today I had my last radiotherapy treatment. I feel relieved and happy. Now my skin can start healing and I don’t need to go to the clinic everyday anymore.
The next step is the hormone therapy, I have to take Tamoxifen for about 1825 days, that’s a long time! And once again, there are undesirable side effects such as hair loss (great, just what I needed!) and cancer (yes, I’m not kidding, Tamoxifen is a carcinogen). Hopefully I will suffer mild or no side effects at all. We will see. I can’t hide I am anxious about it. I would like to be able to say the treatments are over, but not yet, I have five more years to go with many doctor’s appointments and check-ups in between.
Once you are diagnosed with cancer every doctor’s appointment is like a trip down a rollercoaster that you don’t want to be on: has it come back? Is it cancer again? I talk to people about this but they don’t know what it is like. I have at least one doctor’s appointment per week and I start getting nervous the day before and totally unable to sleep the night before. If you have/had cancer you get it, if you don’t have cancer you don’t get it. It is a fear beyond my control. Every pain in any part of my body, every unusual thing, can be cancer again. It is hard to live with this uncertainty but since the beginning I have decided I am not going to waste years of my life being unhappy about it. Life goes on.
I’ve been having unpleasant leg pain and even after having X-rays done that showed everything is ok I can’t stop thinking that something is wrong. This week I started having a sharp pain on my chest, and again I thought, oh my god it is back. I know it is irrational but I also know it is natural to feel like this. The chest pain was caused by the radiotherapy, some inflammation of a cartilage, nothing else.
I have two recurrent dreams, one where the doctor tells me this has all been a mistake and that I never had cancer and another where I am told they have found a cure. I wake up and I have to face that not only there’s no cure but they don’t even know the cause.
I have a lot of techniques to deal with my emotions and I have to say they have worked very well for me so far. I am also lucky to have so many amazing people around me that make sure I am well. Alone I wouldn’t have made it.
I hope I can find some peace of mind and be able to have a relaxed life despite all this. I think I will.
The next step is the hormone therapy, I have to take Tamoxifen for about 1825 days, that’s a long time! And once again, there are undesirable side effects such as hair loss (great, just what I needed!) and cancer (yes, I’m not kidding, Tamoxifen is a carcinogen). Hopefully I will suffer mild or no side effects at all. We will see. I can’t hide I am anxious about it. I would like to be able to say the treatments are over, but not yet, I have five more years to go with many doctor’s appointments and check-ups in between.
Once you are diagnosed with cancer every doctor’s appointment is like a trip down a rollercoaster that you don’t want to be on: has it come back? Is it cancer again? I talk to people about this but they don’t know what it is like. I have at least one doctor’s appointment per week and I start getting nervous the day before and totally unable to sleep the night before. If you have/had cancer you get it, if you don’t have cancer you don’t get it. It is a fear beyond my control. Every pain in any part of my body, every unusual thing, can be cancer again. It is hard to live with this uncertainty but since the beginning I have decided I am not going to waste years of my life being unhappy about it. Life goes on.
I’ve been having unpleasant leg pain and even after having X-rays done that showed everything is ok I can’t stop thinking that something is wrong. This week I started having a sharp pain on my chest, and again I thought, oh my god it is back. I know it is irrational but I also know it is natural to feel like this. The chest pain was caused by the radiotherapy, some inflammation of a cartilage, nothing else.
I have two recurrent dreams, one where the doctor tells me this has all been a mistake and that I never had cancer and another where I am told they have found a cure. I wake up and I have to face that not only there’s no cure but they don’t even know the cause.
I have a lot of techniques to deal with my emotions and I have to say they have worked very well for me so far. I am also lucky to have so many amazing people around me that make sure I am well. Alone I wouldn’t have made it.
I hope I can find some peace of mind and be able to have a relaxed life despite all this. I think I will.
17 February 2011
Top 10 news of my week
1. The last few remaining eyebrows fell out but the next day I woke up with a vigorous bush of new eyebrows growing. Fantastic! It’s still less than a millimetre long, but it looks great. I miss my dark thick eyebrows.
2. I lost all eyelashes some time ago and just like my eyebrows, the eyelashes are growing strong, very uneven and very slow, but they are there.
3. Ten weeks after the last chemo, the hair on my head is still very weak, scarce and ugly, but it seems to be growing a bit everywhere now. I’m not jumping of happiness yet but I stopped panicking, there’s hope!
4. After a long, stressful and frustrating search, I finally found a really nice bikini, it is pretty and it makes me look perfectly “normal”. It doesn’t cover the chest port, the bump stands out a bit, but I can live with that. I can’t wait to go on holidays now.
5. I started exercising with a personal trainer who has been helping me regain strength in my arms, correct posture, and build some muscle. It’s great and I feel very motivated. I am aware that it will take several months before I recover completely but I am on the right path.
6. J. started working this week and I miss her company already. I've been so lucky to have here, she's been my guardian angel.
7. Tomorrow is my last radiotherapy session. The end. Time to celebrate. And to celebrate, recharge and get some miminhos from my family, Saturday I am going to Portugal. My mother’s sofa is the best place in the world to rest, nap and be lazy. After Portugal S. and I are going to pamper ourselves in a spa.
8. According to my acupuncturist my Qi is imbalanced (I’m not surprised, I actually think everything about my body is deficient at the moment), and to balance my Qi and help me sleep better I started taking some Chinese herbs.
9. I’ve been eating like a pig and I’m putting on weight faster than I lost during chemo. Urgent action required, bald whales are not attractive!
10. I am preparing myself to get back to work. It’s been eight months and I wonder if I still remember where my desk is...
2. I lost all eyelashes some time ago and just like my eyebrows, the eyelashes are growing strong, very uneven and very slow, but they are there.
3. Ten weeks after the last chemo, the hair on my head is still very weak, scarce and ugly, but it seems to be growing a bit everywhere now. I’m not jumping of happiness yet but I stopped panicking, there’s hope!
4. After a long, stressful and frustrating search, I finally found a really nice bikini, it is pretty and it makes me look perfectly “normal”. It doesn’t cover the chest port, the bump stands out a bit, but I can live with that. I can’t wait to go on holidays now.
5. I started exercising with a personal trainer who has been helping me regain strength in my arms, correct posture, and build some muscle. It’s great and I feel very motivated. I am aware that it will take several months before I recover completely but I am on the right path.
6. J. started working this week and I miss her company already. I've been so lucky to have here, she's been my guardian angel.
7. Tomorrow is my last radiotherapy session. The end. Time to celebrate. And to celebrate, recharge and get some miminhos from my family, Saturday I am going to Portugal. My mother’s sofa is the best place in the world to rest, nap and be lazy. After Portugal S. and I are going to pamper ourselves in a spa.
8. According to my acupuncturist my Qi is imbalanced (I’m not surprised, I actually think everything about my body is deficient at the moment), and to balance my Qi and help me sleep better I started taking some Chinese herbs.
9. I’ve been eating like a pig and I’m putting on weight faster than I lost during chemo. Urgent action required, bald whales are not attractive!
10. I am preparing myself to get back to work. It’s been eight months and I wonder if I still remember where my desk is...
14 February 2011
Papá
I can't believe it's been a year already. Grieving is a strange process. The counselor I've seen a couple of times keeps repeating I have to allow myself to grieve, but I am not quite sure what makes her think I am not grieving. Maybe because so much has happened in the past year, maybe because I don't cry all the time, or maybe I am simply coping well. Things don't necessarily have to be heavy. I rely on my selective memory and think only about the happy moments. I wish I was in Espinho today and not alone here so far. It's been a year since anyone has asked me if I have alreay eaten and if it is cold. In my own way, I miss my father.
 |
| Last picture we took together. It was a happy day :) |
06 February 2011
Black salsify
This week's organic vegetable box surprised me with black salsify, something I had never seen, eaten or cooked before. So, there I went, in search of an appetising recipe. It is an easy to cook vegetable and very tasty as well. I made fritters that were delicious. It was so nice I will put it on my favourites list.
Here's the recipe:
400 g black salsify
2 teaspoons of lemon juice
1 tablespoon of olive oil
Salt and pepper to taste
flour
2 tablespoons of olive oil for sauteing
2 fillets of smoked mackerel
parsley
Scrub the salsify and scrape the skin off. Steam for about 10 minutes and then mash the salsify and stir in the olive oil, lemon juice, parsley, smoked mackerel, salt, and pepper. Mix well. Shape in small flat cakes, roll in flour, and sauté in olive oil, browning first one side and then the other. If the cakes seem a bit too wet and soft, try adding some bread crumbs to the mash thicken it.
Black salsify contains proteins, fats, asparagine, choline, laevulin, as well as minerals such as potassium, calcium, phosphorus, iron, sodium, and vitamins A, B1, E and C. It is considered particularly suitable for diabetics.
Here's the recipe:
400 g black salsify
2 teaspoons of lemon juice
1 tablespoon of olive oil
Salt and pepper to taste
flour
2 tablespoons of olive oil for sauteing
2 fillets of smoked mackerel
parsley
Scrub the salsify and scrape the skin off. Steam for about 10 minutes and then mash the salsify and stir in the olive oil, lemon juice, parsley, smoked mackerel, salt, and pepper. Mix well. Shape in small flat cakes, roll in flour, and sauté in olive oil, browning first one side and then the other. If the cakes seem a bit too wet and soft, try adding some bread crumbs to the mash thicken it.
Black salsify contains proteins, fats, asparagine, choline, laevulin, as well as minerals such as potassium, calcium, phosphorus, iron, sodium, and vitamins A, B1, E and C. It is considered particularly suitable for diabetics.
02 February 2011
Halfway through
Oh, time flies when you're having fun!
To celebrate, the radiotherapists told me I would have another X-ray taken today, to check if the positioning is still correct. Sure, beam me some more. All I had to do was lay there a bit longer while Mr. Beamer (the gigantic machine) took the X-ray before treatment started. Everything seems to be going according to plan. Nice to know.
How were these last two and half weeks? I have a mild skin burn, a perfectly formed brownish rectangle, which doesn't hurt or itch. I have had breakfast in all of Marylebone High Street cafes', while reading the paper. I've been to more exhibitions than I can remember now. I did lots of shopping. I've been to the gym, although still exercising like an old lady; I still feel very tired from the chemo, or maybe, should I say, already tired from the radio. I've been happily busy and hardly noticed these weeks going by.
My days of freedom are coming to an end and soon I'll be going back to work. Hurray, a normal life, finally.
To celebrate, the radiotherapists told me I would have another X-ray taken today, to check if the positioning is still correct. Sure, beam me some more. All I had to do was lay there a bit longer while Mr. Beamer (the gigantic machine) took the X-ray before treatment started. Everything seems to be going according to plan. Nice to know.
How were these last two and half weeks? I have a mild skin burn, a perfectly formed brownish rectangle, which doesn't hurt or itch. I have had breakfast in all of Marylebone High Street cafes', while reading the paper. I've been to more exhibitions than I can remember now. I did lots of shopping. I've been to the gym, although still exercising like an old lady; I still feel very tired from the chemo, or maybe, should I say, already tired from the radio. I've been happily busy and hardly noticed these weeks going by.
My days of freedom are coming to an end and soon I'll be going back to work. Hurray, a normal life, finally.
01 February 2011
Having a no hair day
Seven and a half weeks after my last chemo and I still have no real hair, just some ugly fluff. And no signs of eyelashes or eyebrows yet. I try not to worry but I am very anxious. I WANT MY HAIR BACK! NOW!
To make things worse, I have to renew my passport this month and the Portuguese consulate was very helpful (I am not being ironic here, they were helpful for once) in informing me yesterday (one day before my appointment) that I could not take the photos wearing a scarf, except if worn for religious reasons, which is not my case. Or I could go au naturel. No way, I don’t want to see my bald head on my passport for the next ten years! Against my will and feeling very self-conscious, I wore my wig for the first time today. Regan went out for the first time, after being in a box for the past 5 months.
There was I, taking pictures at the consulate, feeling stupid and knowing that I will carry a passport that will remind me of my chemo days even when I am on holidays, far away trying to forget it all.
Not nice. I hate chemo.
To make things worse, I have to renew my passport this month and the Portuguese consulate was very helpful (I am not being ironic here, they were helpful for once) in informing me yesterday (one day before my appointment) that I could not take the photos wearing a scarf, except if worn for religious reasons, which is not my case. Or I could go au naturel. No way, I don’t want to see my bald head on my passport for the next ten years! Against my will and feeling very self-conscious, I wore my wig for the first time today. Regan went out for the first time, after being in a box for the past 5 months.
There was I, taking pictures at the consulate, feeling stupid and knowing that I will carry a passport that will remind me of my chemo days even when I am on holidays, far away trying to forget it all.
Not nice. I hate chemo.
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