Being tall

I know it is a pointless exercise but I want to understand why I got cancer and what I should have done differently to prevent it.

One of the advices I got from the Macmillan nurse was “do not Google breast cancer because you will find a lot of unreliable information”. Of course I did look it up on the internet and I still do. Lately I’ve been reading about the causes of cancer. The amount of rubbish is amazing but sometimes I come across interesting information. Such as:

“If you are taller than average, you are more likely to develop breast cancer than someone who is shorter than average. This may be due to interactions between genes, nutrition and hormones, but the reason is not fully understood.” From NHS Choices website

Well, that is something I could not have done differently: tall mother + tall father = tall daughters!

One thing I also learned is that there is a lot more research done on how to treat cancer than on what causes cancer and how to prevent it. My opinion is that it must be more profitable for the pharmaceutical companies to sell drugs to treat cancer than invest in research to prevent cancer. It makes me very angry.

Lifestyle is for sure a risk factor, but I cannot completely avoid breathing polluted air, eating fruit and vegetables full of pesticides, eat meat and dairy products full of hormones and consume all kind of products full of chemicals.

I eat more organic food now, drink soya and goat’s milk, avoid meat, eat loads of fruit and vegetable rich in anti-oxidants, do not eat processed food, avoid refined sugar and try to use more natural skin products. I know there are still a lot of things I can change, but will that actually help?

Fatigue

“Fatigue (also called exhaustion, lethargy, languidness, languor, lassitude, and listlessness) is a state of awareness describing a range of afflictions, usually associated with physical and/or mental weakness, though varying from a general state of lethargy to a specific work-induced burning sensation within one's muscles. Physical fatigue is the inability to continue functioning at the level of one's normal abilities. It is ubiquitous in everyday life, but usually becomes particularly noticeable during heavy exercise. Mental fatigue, on the other hand, rather manifests in somnolence (sleepiness). Fatigue is considered a symptom, as opposed to a medical sign, because it is reported by the patient instead of being observed by others.”      From Wikipedia

A flashback: cording

After the second surgery, and as a result of having some lymph glands removed from my armpit, I developed cording, which is not only painful but very annoying because it limited (a lot) my arm movement. It felt like having a very tight cord running from the axilla towards the hand, pulling my arm down, making it very stiff. The tissue was so tight it was visible to the eye, under my arm, exactly like a stretched cord. When I complained to the surgeon, he referred me to a physiotherapist who massaged my arm and stretched the cords until I regained full arm movement. It took several weeks, but I can now finally move my arm normally and without pain. I still can’t lift heavy weights and I have to be careful not to get infections in this arm, but the improvement is so big I feel like new.

Side effects

The side effects I am experiencing are quite mild, but all together rather unpleasant.
Before the chemo when the nurse was going through all possible side effects and how to manage them I started panicking and felt like crying. It sounded horrible and the only thing I could think was: what am I doing here? Why do I have to put myself through this? Fortunately I am one of the lucky ones, unless the side effects get worse after the next session.
The list of possible side effects is long and in some degree I am experiencing them all:
Reduced immunity (so far no infections)
Bruising and bleeding (no bleeding luckily)
Anaemia
Nausea
Tiredness (I should say fatigue or exhaustion)
Hair loss (none up until today and hopefully none what so ever until the end)
Sore mouth
Taste changes
Irritation of the bladder
Loss of appetite
Skin changes
Nail changes
Throbbing ear pain
Heartburn
Headaches
Damage to heart (I hope none)
Infertility (very likely but hard to know yet)
Constipation and diarrhoea (not at the same time obviously!)
Bone pain

Brave as a tiger, strong as an ox

My blood counts are normal. It makes me happy to know I am healthy.
I feel “fresca que nem uma alface”, “rija que nem um pero” (not going to translate, it doesn’t really work in English!).
I am ready for the next session, give me more!
If it wasn’t for this annoying cancer, I could say I am a healthy person. Up until now that’s what I used to say. Not anymore!

More tests

Tomorrow, which is day 12 of the first chemo cycle, I am returning to the Harley Street Clinic for a blood test to check my blood counts (red and white blood cells and platelets). If the counts are too low I may need a blood transfusion and possibly to delay the next chemo session. I’ve been following a very healthy diet, going for walks every day and I feel relatively good - although I admit I look a bit pale and feel very tired – so, fingers crossed, the results will show I am not anaemic and the treatment can continue as scheduled.

Worries

I am completely obsessed about my hair and I am constantly checking if it started falling out. It is so not me! I am normally very relaxed about my looks and up until recently I could accept the idea of going bald quite well. But now, my level of panic is increasing and I cannot stop thinking about it.
I bought silk pillowcases, wash my hair very gently with ph neutral shampoo, don’t blow dry it and don’t comb it (which is easy now that is so short).
So far it seems to be ok, but every time I see a single hair I get nervous.
My whole physical appearance is changing: my skin is turning grey with some brown patches, I have dark rings under the eyes, I am losing weight and my lips are not pink anymore. In general I don’t feel too bad, I expected worse, but I guess my poor body is fighting a big battle right now.