Working against me

Going back to work has been a lot harder than I thought. I can't concentrate, I feel exhausted, anxious and insecure. The first week was ok, I was acclimatising. The second week was a nightmare, I felt less than the others, observed, slow and incapable of performing. I burst into tears every night and I couldn't even explain exactly why. I was so convinced that going back to work would shut the cancer door and open the normal life door, but things are not that easy, are they? I carry a heavy load on my shoulders everywhere I go and I don't seem to be able to let go. This week I gained courage and I asked to continue working reduced hours for a couple of more weeks. I'm letting myself down, I'm angry and I really wish things were different.
One thing I promised myself when I learned I had cancer was that I wouldn't get a depression. It's bad enough as it is, the last thing I need is to have to deal with a depression. But I can see it coming: lethargy, insomnia, irritability, sadness, crying, unable to have fun, lack of initiative. I can't let that happen, I don't want to look back one day and see wasted time. Today I went to see the psychologist who thinks I am not depressed, just being too hard on myself. She gave me a couple of tasks I have to put in practice during the next week, let's see if I manage to do it. One thing she said stayed on my mind: do what you feel like doing and not what you think you should be doing. Do what gives you pleasure, not what you think you should be doing. The problem is, I don't know anymore what I enjoy doing and most of the times I don't feel like doing anything, talking to anyone or going anywhere. All I want is for things to be like they were before. Nothing else.