Having fun

Yesterday I had the last of the monthly appointments with my oncologist. The next appointment will be in six months, hurray! Not that I don’t like her, but I am just so happy to free myself from all these medical appointments.
According to her I am well: the leg pain is likely to be remains of the chemotherapy induced bone pain, not having hair yet is unusual but can happen (the more I stress about it the less it will grow!), my horrible looking nails are slowly getting better, my skin and scars look great (as great as a scar and burnt skin can look like!), the hot flashes are getting milder (or I am getting used to them!), my ovaries are still not working (but there’s still hope!) and my energy levels will increase with time. At the end of the consultation she told me: “now go and have fun, enjoy life”.
Have fun. Sounds scary. I am not sure I know how to have fun anymore. Does it mean I have to relax now? Huummm, hard thing to do, I tell you.
The first step should be to stop staring into the mirror counting every single hair I see. It was easier to be bald during chemotherapy, I was so concentrated in keeping my food down that not having hair became secondary. Now that my face is round again, my eyes shine and my cheeks have some colour, not having hair became an obsession.
Today I saw a baby with less hair than me, when this thought crossed my mind “Ah! He has less hair than I do!” I had to laugh. Silly me, competing with a baby!
To be fair, I had some fun during these months, I can think of many occasions when I was relaxed and enjoying. I did a lot of things that make me happy and not all was bad.
But I do feel some kind of pressure to be happy now. Several people have asked me if I plan to do something special, radical, different or challenging. What people forget is that last year was all of that already and all I want now is peace. I actually just want normality, a routine that doesn’t include hospitals. No, I don’t feel the need to climb the Kilimanjaro, kayak the Mekong or meditate in India.