Pre-chemo anxiety

In three days I will be again sitting in one of these chairs for one more torture session, I mean, chemo session!

I can’t hide that I am extremely anxious about it, so much I can’t even relax and enjoy these last few days of “freedom”. I wake up thinking about it, go to bed thinking about it and I even dream about it. I wish someone would just hit me hard in the head with a pan and leave me unconscious throughout all this.

I know what expects me next week: extreme nausea, heavy headaches, fatigue, bone pain, sore mouth, etc, etc. I’ll be a useless couch potato for a week again. Something so unpleasant can’t do me any good, right?

On top of this, the phlebitis did not improve, in fact it has spread to my hand and upper arm and it is not only painful but worrying. If the nurses cannot use my right arm (due to the surgery) and my left arm is like this, how are they going to administer the treatment? I don’t want a central line put in, it would mean another anaesthesia and delaying the chemo session. And one thing I am finding hard to deal with is the time the whole treatment is taking, so a delay would be a disaster for me. But, here I am, speculating, I have no idea what is going to happen so why worry so much?

I know these fears are irrational, my overall experience so far has been acceptable, some patients experience a lot heavier side effects and I shouldn’t complain so much. Positive thinking, positive thinking...

Luckily there’s one thing I am looking forward to this week. As part of my pre-chemo cultural agenda, Wednesday evening we are going to Sadler’s Wells to see Akram Khan’s latest work, Vertical Road. It will keep my mind off of the chemo on chemo eve!